The 'Im a human in Splatoon' Obligatory Cringe fanfiction
by Blitzkrieq
Summary: Fuckin' bustin NUTS BAYBEE. (Rating's the same as always for the same reasons.) (This one's pretty bad though, so I might change it to An M. You'll see why)
1. Chapter 1

Has anyone nutted so damn hard that they were transported to another dimension?

Yeah, me neither...

No wait, what I should be saying is. 'Yes, I have.' Being as I had woken up not too long ago with my pants around my ankles and my dick, in all of its circumcised glory, flopping about in the open air for the whole world to see.

The only embarrassing part of this is the fact that I didn't get to delete my internet history.

SIKE, I USE INCOGNITO FUCK Y'ALL, HAHA!

'_No but seriously, I should pull up my pants now.' _He was, after all, being stared at by a whole bunch of 'people' that weren't exactly concealing their gazes away from his crotch.

Not that he didn't have any confidence in his dick, but he still had embarrassment, contrary to his earlier statement. And while he wouldn't mind having a female staring at it in amazement, he would rather them both be in a room.

Alone.

Again, not that he wouldn't be down for an orgy. As long as said orgy had him being the only male in the room. He was confident in his dick, but he knew he wasn't the biggest.

That, and the fact that he just didn't like seeing another mans penis. Let alone watching it enter a coochie.

Probably why he couldn't stand porn.

At least straight porn.

'_Bleaugh._'

"I-Is that a human...?"

"Oh my- Yeah, I think it is!"

I stared at the colourful haired 'people' as they seemed to marvel at my very appearance. Whispers and excited voices were all you could hear across the open plaza.

It annoyed me.

Yet, I didn't speak up. Not at the time, at least. Not even when they had all crowded around me and gaped at me like I was some kind of extinct species suddenly popping up after twelve millennia.

Pfff, That's impossible. He wasn't a goddamn dinosaur.

_'Dinosaurs were extinct far longer than twelve millennia. You fuckin' baguette._'

"Shut up, brain."

And just from that one voiced thought, the square had erupted again. This time being filled with excitement and wonder.

"It talked, It talked!"

"Holy- Someone record this!"

"Why don't _YOU_ record it, James?"

"Well... I-I would!... But my phones dead!"

"Your phone Is _always_ dead!"

Jesus, they even had phones here. Where in the hell was he?

...

And James? What a fuckin' loser ass name.

"Man this is so cool, I can't wait to tell my mom I met a human!"

The one who had spoken wiggled his hair in excitement.

_Wiggled._

'_Okay yah Nah, fuck this shit.'_ Coming to the final realization that he definitely wasn't dreaming and that he was staring at humanoid tentacle-haired people.

Yes, you heard me right _tentacles_ for hair.

Did he realize that he was going to leave, and hope to god that next time he masturbated, he wouldn't be transported across a fucking _dimension._

_'That being said... Didn't realize that me busting nuts was so powerful...'_

_"..."_

_'I wonder If I can do a Kamehameha while busting...'_

**_'I want you to repeat that, but very. Slowly.'_**

_'Ahhh, shut the fuck up brain. I just teleported across dimensions from nutting and you think I couldn't bust a Kamehameha out of my dick? Fuck off.'_

Now done talking to myself like the insane person I was, I began to turn my focus onto tentacle-haired humanoids once again. Seeing as I still hadn't spoken to any of the little shits yet, in fact. I didn't know if I even fuckin' wanted to. Who the fuck just enters an unknown world, as probably one of the last species and then acts like they won't be torn open to be inspected on?

'_Fuckin' idiots, that's who.'_

_"_Damn right brain, UpTop!"

Again, the crowd went into an uproar.

"Again! It talked again!

"This is groundbreaking!"

"I really wish I-

I have had enough.

"I swear to god, if one of you open your goddamn mouth again, I'll personally walk over there and snap your goddamn neck."

Silence.

Just how I like-

"Uhh sir, ignoring the fact that you can understand us somehow like in a cheesy Isekai manga. We don't have necks to snap..." A cyan haired kid spoke up, glassed around his stupid ass eyes, his hand raised as if answering a teachers question.

Moments of more silence passed as both I and the kid looked at each other through the now separated crowd, and if one looked closely enough. You could see one of the Humanoids eating popcorn.

'_Did this little piece of ass just talk back to me?'_

I let a couple more seconds of silence pass before speaking up.

"You don't have any friends. Do you?"

"..."

"..."

"Uh.. Sir, Wha-"

I cut the little shit off.

"Answer the fucking question, dickass."

More silence before finally the kid looked at the ground, his eyes tearing.

The kid mumbled something, prompting me to raise my voice. "What?! I can't hear you dumbass! Speak up!"

"N-no." He finally responded.

"N-n-no. That's what you sound like. Now next time don't be such a smartass and _maybe_ people will like you. Highly fucking doubtful though. Fuckin' nerd." I mocked. That seemed to be all the pussy was able to handle as he had all but bolted out of the plaza, tears treading down his face as he pushed himself through the crowd.

"Yeah! And don't come back you fuckin' Shitlord!" I called after him, his silhouette quickly disappearing as he rounded a corner.

"Wow... this guy's kinda mean.."

"Yeah, I thought they were supposed to be... almighty? A better version of us or something."

My head snapped to the one who said that, my hazel orbs burning into their soul as they froze on eye contact.

I narrowed my eyes and spoke. "Yeah, I'll be almighty when my fist's so far up your ass that it comes out your throat, dicklips."

"D-dicklips?!"

"Yeah! DickLips! Did I fucking stutter, dicklips?!"

This time a girl (By the looks of it) holding a cup of whatever the fuck she was drinking spoke up, her pink 'hair' Swaying as she crossed her arms, laying it on the top of her left arm so she didn't spill her drink

"Do you know any other words than curses?" She asked like a fucking brat, her eyebrow peaking as she snarled in my direction.

I focused on her, my eyes running up and down her body before I retorted.

"I dunno, can you grow tits?"

She gasped her arms that were once resting crossed on her stomach, now wrapped around her chest in a defensive manner as she let an embarrassed blush cross her face.

Yep, definitely a girl. They were always sensitive about the tits.

She didn't retort after that.

I did though.

"Yeah, next time speak when spoken to, cumdump."

I let a growl exit my throat as I looked across the crowd of now uneasy humanoids.

I rolled my eyes, tired of this shit already and turned around on my heel, my back now facing the libtards. "You guys fuckin' suck ass. I'm out." I spoke out, taking a step forward as I readied myself for my departure...

And promptly ate shit as I tripped over my still pulled down pants.

'_Oh that's right... I never pulled them up, did I?"_

And because I never pulled them up, my dick and balls also took some damage when I fell face first into the pure harshness that was concrete and asphalt.

And that hurt like a bitch.

"Fuckin' ugh, My diiiiick..." I whimpered out.

I stayed like that for a while, realizing that I not _only _embarrassed myself like that, but also the fact that my dick hurt like I had just set it on fire. That kept me from even moving an inch of my body.

That is until clacks of shoes stopped centimeters from my face. Prompting me to finally lift my head from Its downed position and look up towards the figure in question.

And I was greeted by (again) what I could only guess was a female, dressed in what seemed to be a formal kimono and an umbrella hanging limply across one of her shoulders.

"Is that Marie? Like as in Marie from the SquidSisters?!" One of them spoke up.

And holy fuck I shit you not, the crowd erupted _again_ causing me to think they honestly had something fucked with their brains.

Paying no mind to the meltdown that was the crowd behind me. The girl narrowed her eyes as she looked down on me before opening her mouth.

"You're coming with me, I have no idea how you came to be but I have _several_ questions for you." She said suddenly.

I was silent for a moment.

"..."

"I can see your panties through that slit you have from down here." Her eyes slightly widened, but I didn't give her a chance to respond. "Gotta say, you're rocking green. Must be your favorite colour seeing as you're rocking it down there too."

The bitch growled, before shifting the slit so it covered up what was needed.

"Three, pick this idiot up and carry him with us, I don't want anyone else having to deal with his stupidity."

My eyebrow peeked. "Three? The fucks a three, and wh- WHOA" I was promptly interrupted as I was (very easily I might add) lifted and thrown over a petite girls shoulder like a sack of limp-dicked potatoes.

"Whoa, WHOA! Waitt! Hold on!" Everyone paused as they looked at me, the tentacled haired girl that was carrying me tilted her head to make eye contact as well.  
I huffed before continuing. "Can I at the very least pull up my pants? It's fucking chilly out here..."

The Kimono bitch looked at me, her eye twitching in mild annoyance before making a waving motion with her hand.

I was let back down onto the ground, and knowing I wouldn't get another chance promptly pulled up my pants.

"Whew, thanks. Like I said, it's chilly."

And with my finished sentence, I smirked. Easily grabbing the petite girls' shirt scruff as she had stupidly shrugged me off behind her.

Like a dumbass would.

Lifting her up in the air, I was surprised at how light she was. Seeing as she had all but yanked me around like I weighed nothing.

Never said this, But I'm almost Six-five and weigh about two hundred pounds.

Yeah, she picked that up like it was nothing.

Mild confusion shown.

Anyways back on track, I was now making eye contact with the petite humanoid as she as well seemed surprised I was able to lift her to my eye level.

I Smirked.

Her eyes widened as if she knew what was coming.

And I'm guessing she did as I wound up my arm, and _yeeted_ her ass into the crowd behind me. Not wasting any time, I took off in a random direction. Hoping it gave me enough time to make a getaway.

Of course, I bragged a little as I turned my head around and shouted obscenities, laughing at their stupidity as I bragged about getting away. And of course... Wasn't able to react fast enough when I had turned my head back around, only able to realize that I was running into a wall.

And Smacked my head right into said wall.

I found myself back on my ass, my head spinning as I could only dazedly make out the sounds of those damned footsteps from before.

The kimono bitch's head hovered over my downed one, her head shaking back and forth as if disappointed.

"You're an absolute moron."

My head lolled to the side as I slowly lost consciousness, only able to make one final response.

"You... Get... No... dick..."

And I promptly blacked out.

**~~~END~~~**

**_A parody of all those cringy ass fanfics you guys write of a human In splatoon. I get it, you'd rather be there than here. I would too. But It's overused and I haven't met one person who was able to make it even semi-decent enough for me to want to keep reading. So here you go. Enjoy this shit you lovely shits you._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Y'all thought I was done?  
**

**Get yeeted.**

* * *

I've woken up to plenty of things as a healthy seventeen-year-old. Like a dog licking your face, or maybe your nice mother walking into your room to open the blinds and welcome you to the living with a sweet 'good morning'. Hell, I've even woken up to my little sister running into my room naked and jumping on me while screaming that 'The bath demon had pooped in the water'. And then said 'Bath demon' had pranced into my room with the happiest look on his stupid muzzle while tracking even more water in with it.

_'Yes, my dog and little sister took a bath together. And no, Lon (the dog, not the sister) had never taken a shit in the bath before.' _To this day I swear that dog knew exactly what it had done and was just happy to get himself out of the tub.

I'm getting sidetracked, anyways like I was saying. I've woken up to plenty of things in my life, and now I could put waking up to a girl (_girl used in the loosest of terms) _sitting on my lap while sniffing my neck onto the list.

This was weird, she was weird. This entire situation was weird, and the only thing keeping me from shouting at the girl was the smile she had on her face.

A smile that was there because she was _smelling_ me...

I hate myself for having a boner right now.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I guess I had spoken suddenly as the girl (_Again, loosest of terms) _let out a high-pitched yelp and had soon after found herself falling backward off my lap and onto the hard floor below her.

"Owwie..." The girl moved her hand to rub her probably bruised bottom.

"Don't 'Owwie' me, the fuck were you doing sitting on me? More than that, why were you fuckin' sniffing me?"

"Oh!" The girl sounded surprised as if realizing that I was actually breathing, before shooting herself back to her feet. Brushing off what I would assume to be dust from her black shorts. "Sorry I didn't introduce myself before. My name's Callie!"

'_Did she seriously just try and change the subject?' _

I stared blankly at her with. "Did I ask for you for your name?"

"Uhm no..." She shuffled in place and looked at the floor. "W-well I just thought-

"Well you thought wrong, I didn't ask for your name I asked why the fuck you were sitting on me." I interrupted.

She turned her head to the left as if trying to cover her shame, all the while mumbling something under her breath. I looked closer to see a bright redness appear on the sides of her cheek.

'_That's a fat nope.'_

"Right, well... Can you tell me where this is, or better yet where I am?"

I decided that I would just try and change the subject from the scenario I woke up to, not only because I wouldn't be getting an answer but also because It was more important than...

Whatever the fuck she was doing to me.

She perked up, probably because she was also happy she didn't have to answer my question.

"Right, uhm..." She had outstretched both of her arms towards the wooden interior. "This is Cuttlefish Cabin!" She still had a notable blush on her face and It also wasn't hard to notice that she was still embarrassed about the scenario from before. I decided to ignore her current embarrassment, and instead, just continue the conversation.

"Okay... And where is this 'Cuttlefish Cabin' located at?"

"Oh! It's in Octo-Canyon."

I perked an eyebrow. "In? What do you mean In?"

She tilted her head in confusion. "Well, Octo-Canyon Is a canyon, so wouldn't we be _In_ the canyon if we were located there?"

I could feel my head throb. "Ignore that, listen. What I meant was what State."

Cue another head tilt. "State?"

I groaned in annoyance. "Yes, state, as in- I don't know.. Kansas?"

Her face squished up as if trying to force something down her throat, her mouth twisting as if trying to form words.

"C-Canssaass?" she finally let out.

"..."

Okay, her mouth twisting in order to form words, my bad.

I sighed. "Not with a C, It's with a K, and why the hell did you draw out the S's?"

"S's? What are S's?"

I groaned as my head throbbed even more.

'**How could you even tell she said it with a C?**'

'_Shut up brain, don't question your master._'

'**M-master?! I'm the fucking brain here! I control you, not the other way around!**

'_Oh yeah? Try to control me, see what happens!_'

'**I'll do you a fucking better! I'll make you punch yourself!'**

_'You fucking wouldn't.'_

**'Try me, motherfucker.'**

"What's a Cuh-aay?" Callie asked in the middle of the argument

My eye twitched. "Stop it with the C's!"

'**HAH! Get fucked!**'

I growled to myself. '_Don't make me think of 2 girls 1 cup.'_

'**You fucking wouldn't...**'

_'Try me motherfucker.'_

A sudden door creek made me turn my head, my eyes landing upon the bitch clad in green.

_'Ugh, not this cunt again...__'_

**'Hey! Don't call her a cunt! She hasn't done anything to you.'**

I stopped my thought process for a second to realize just exactly what my brain had just said.

_'Excuse you?'_

**'Uh- I mean.. yeah! What a Bitch!'**

_'Better.'_

The girl clad in a green kimono had finally arrived to where I had sat, her face was set into a very bored look and she seemed even more annoyed once she realized I was awake, even if she came into the room knowing so.

The girl in green had turned her attention to the one in pink.

"Callie... I thought I told you to not come in here."

Callie scratched the back of her head, daring to look sheepish. "I mean, I just _had_ to get a look at a human! I mean seriously Mar, who could say that they got to see a human?!"

I decided to butt in. "You could also say you were sitting on me."

The green cunt now known as Marie snapped her head over towards me. "She did what now?"

I let a smirk spread across my face. "Oh yeah, totally. She was _all_ over me, pretty sure she was trying to jump me. If ya' know what I mean."

This time, Marie had turned her head towards Callie, her eyes had narrowed and Callie had blushed while turning her head away.

Of course the girl in hot pink pouted my direction first, but I didn't really care for that.

The Chinese wannabe sighed before speaking once again.

"That's besides the point." The green counterpart looked towards her sibling. "Callie, I need you to leave."

This shocked the pink girl out of her blushing stupor. "What?! Why?"

Marie sighed again. "Because I said so, and I need to be alone to ask this _child_ some questions."

_'oh this bitch didn-'_

Callie interrupted my thoughts by dashing in front of me, her hands on her hips.

"Nice ass." I commented.

"..."

Callie shuffled slightly before gaining back the stance she had before.

"Why can't I be here while you ask? I deserve to be here just as much as you!"

Marie narrowed her eyes once more. "Because I said so."

Callie growled, her own eyes narrowing before she crossed her arms. A light 'harump' leaving her mouth as she turned to the side.

"Well, If you aren't going to give a good enough reason, I'm gonna stay and you can't stop me!"

I silently laughed at the two's interactions.

it was so stupid it was funny.

Marie seemed to let something bounce around her head before shrugging to herself.

"Three!"

Callie gained a panicked look and her eyes shifted to her sibling. "Three?!"

I let out a hum. "Three? you mean the one that manhandled me earlier?"

Both siblings turned towards me.

I looked between the two silently before shrugging. "What? maybe I felt left-out of the conversation."

Marie deadpanned. "You aren't supposed to feel included in the first place."

After her sentence had finished, the door in which the rip off yoda had entered earlier had quite literally flew open, allowing the lime green haired girl to waltz in.

The girl that had kicked in the door turned her attention towards Marie first, the two shared a silent conversation for a moment and suddenly she was already in front of Cal. The girl in question gave a startled yelp as she was hoisted (just like me might I add) over this gremlin of a beings shoulders.

"M-Marie!" Sh stuttered out her siblings name, giving out several grunts and moans as she tried to struggle her way out of the girls grip. "Cmooon! This is so unfair!"

Marie shrugged in response, and gave a nod. The girl gave a nod in return and had almost began turning around to walk her marry little ass back out the door, if not for the fact she had spotted me.

It was a stare down on sight, her mouth had raised into a snarl immediately and it was like I was suddenly looking straight at a fucking tiger trying to protect it's cubs. or even worse.

_A fresh goddamn meal._

I'm not gonna lie when I say this, the little shit actually had me scared for a moment, before suddenly just as quick as the snarl appeared it was gone, reduced to atoms.

The lime green haired predator looked at me for a few more moments, scoffed, and promptly walked her ass towards the door, gave Marie a two finger salute, and slammed the door shut behind her.

I could still here the muffled screams of Callie as she was carried away.

Marie sighed and mumbled something under her breath before her attention was turned towards me.

"I believe I have questions that you need to answer."

I let out a chuckle as a passing thought ran through my mind. "Yeah? Well I think you need to get to dragon."

The cunt blanched. "Dragon..?"

"Yeah... Dragon DEEZ NUTS ACROSS YO FACE! AYOOOO!"

The girl in green's mouthed twisted several times, her face contorting to a look of pure confusion and astonishment before you spoke.

"You're honestly one of the most idiotic people I've ever had the displeasure to meet."

"The pleasures all mine fucker-doodle."

The girl groaned and rubbed her hand down her face in exasperation.

I could already tell I was going to have fun with this one.

**_~~END~~_**

**_Wow! I know! I'm so early! Well first off, let me get a couple things clear that I should've earlier. This story is a huge ass parody if you couldn't tell, and with that. So is the authors notes. (You fucking mongrels) _**

**_Secondly, I'm not, and never will, attack writers as a whole. what I AM attacking is the overuse of a premise, that premise being 'human in splatoon' if you couldn't tell. _**

**_idiots..._**

**_Thirdly, please don't think I hate you guys, Like I said the authors notes is a joke. as is this story. _**

**_'So why are you continuing it?' i hear you asking._**

**_Cause fuck you, that's why._**

**_Now, onto the reviews. yay..._**

* * *

_**ShyGuysToast- Damn straight.**_

_**ZygardeFusion- yuh, I knew you would love it. it's quite awesome. As is my writing skills ;3**_

_**King de-kill yourself, like actually Fuck you.**_

_**Grape 2- the fuck happened to the first grape? You murder him or something? As for your review. Meh. cool. Thanks.**_

_**ProbablyNotJesus- Nigga, fuck if I care about your damn opinion. but thanks. I find it quite funny myself.**_

_**Donut- I love you too, have my children.**_

_**ChiggerD- bro then get the fuck outta- oh shit. You know what? you're right. Fuck that yuri shit.**_

_**String99- ya'll ordered that freezer burnt man meat, hold the pepperoni, right?**_

_**Terrarium- Actually serious time, don't worry. I'm not actually attacking the writers as stated above, like I said. it's the overuse of a premise that get's me annoyed. So don't worry. I ain't about to fucking rant on some kiddies. (most of said writers are better than me so like... How could I hate on them?) Also... pFFFF YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP, THANKS FOR THE IDEA IDIOT- YOU JUST BAMBOOZLED YOURSELF. THIS A SQUIDSISTER FUCKFEST NOW SON! AHAHAHAHAH. **_

_**IRequireLasgna- Honestly prolly spelled your name wrong, and Know I did it on purpose you fuckin' rat.**_

_**John- you like it because you like the idea of me ramming large, meaty words down your throat. 3**_

_**SoulreaperOp- Your name sounds like what comes out of a cool username generator. You fucking edgelord.**_

_**CrocoCore- as stated in (other places) you know my view on this fic as a whole.**_

_**Again bois, don't worry. I'm not actually shitting on people writing fics, just the premise the fics are based on that are frankly overused and never seem to be written with plot in mind, only a good rut with the squidScanks.**_

_**You guys enjoy whatever this thing is. **_

_**-Blitzkreiq**_


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